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Finding Happiness

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Jan. 25th, 2011 | 11:40 pm

I'm at a shitty point right now. I'm like in fucking limbo between going downhill with everything and going even further than I ever had to be happy. This is really sucky and I fucking hate feeling this way. I'm sick of making a step forward to make two steps back all the time with everything; and I seriously mean everything.

Although I've been having some mega awesome days but they are to far and few in between to really keep me going. I feel selfish when I say things like that, but I have never been independent when it comes to happiness. As in: I was always a foul and vile person until Keith came around and he made me super happy. But now that we're broken up I've been on this life journey trying to find personal happiness and all I can come up with is when I'm doing something for myself I'm happy. Like drawing for myself, or driving around, or hanging with bros, or hanging with family I never get to hang with, pursuing my own interests.

But then I get guilty because I'm not finishing up my to-do list for other very fast, or I'm not paying full attention to the car lot, or the fact I don't spend time with certain friends or family members because in my eyes they bring me down.

I mean I don't want to be a wild child, but I also don't believe I should be a people pleaser. But I have such an issue with social standards I get afraid I go to far when I do things for myself. I'm shameless when it comes to making myself happy. I do what I want when I want. BUT this doesn't mean I'm out partying or fucking random people [actually I haven't had sex in nearly 2 months D8]. All it means is that when I'm not happy with someone or a situation I just tell them "hey this is awfully sucky I don't want this anymore" and proceed to walk/drive off. And when I want something or want to hang out with someone I tell them "hey I wanna hang with you when is the best time for this?" and/or proceed to walk/drive to my destination in mind.

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from: ratfeets
date: Jan. 26th, 2011 02:34 pm (UTC)

When it comes down to it, I think life just happens in waves. Waves of depression, waves of happiness... whenever I remember events, it is like that. You're in a wave of suck right now. It's so non-conducive to progress, but oh well.

There isn't anything particularly wrong with putting your happiness first, unless it's hindering work or making everyone else into pets. I can't actually relate here though! I'm a people-pleaser. I like cleaning the apt for Rio, doing commissions for furries, making giftart for peeps, etc. Most of my happiness comes from making others feel good. But, it also means that I wear myself thin a lot doing it, or people start expecting it of me. Tbh, your way of life sounds oddly luxurious to me. I don't do a lot of things 'for me'.

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from: joocebawx
date: Jan. 27th, 2011 05:55 am (UTC)

Yeah I get what you are saying. Its most def like that right now D;

And I get that, I just get worried I seem like a selfish brat or anything like that. I just know that I don't work well when its for other people [I do like doing things for people on rare occasions] but at the same time I don't want to seem like I'm so preoccupied with myself/self interests that people stop wanting to be my friend ;A;

But on the flip side there are certain people I will roll over and do anything for and I get happy from doing that. But these are like...pssh 2 or 3 people tops.

+++You should try it sometime. Like I said, have only a tiny amount of people you'd do anything for but other than that just march to your own tune but don't seem unapproachable. If you can do all those at once you have it made for sure.

Because thats what I'm trying to get to :D

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